Understanding They/Them and More: A Guide to Gender-Inclusive Language and Intimacy

Language is powerful. It shapes how we see the world, how we connect with others, and most importantly, how we see ourselves. In the world of intimacy and wellness, using the right words is just as important as using the right products.

Creating a safe and respectful space is the foundation of great intimacy. Let’s navigate inclusive language and discover tools that affirm identity and enhance pleasure for everyone.

TL;DR

• Language creates safety: Using correct pronouns like they/them and asking open-ended questions builds trust and makes intimacy more fulfilling for everyone.
• Pleasure has no gender: Products like the Gender X Body Kisses Suction and Gender X Anybody's Plug are designed for sensation and anatomy, not for labels.
• Gear should fit the person, not the stereotype: From the versatile Gender X Snuggle Up Harness to packing essentials like the Gender X 4" Packer and Stand to Pee, comfort and affirmation go hand in hand.
• Wellness tools are part of the journey: Dilators aren't just for medical needs, they can enhance comfort and confidence. The Blush Wellness 4 Piece Dilator Kit is a body-safe option for anyone exploring vaginal penetration at their own pace.

Why Inclusive Language Matters in the Bedroom 

For many transgender, non-binary, and/or gender non-conforming individuals, intimacy can sometimes trigger anxiety. Will my partner see me for who I am? Will they use the right words? Will they accept me as I am?

Using gender-inclusive language is a vital piece in being a good partner. It shows respect, validation, and care. Consistently using the correct pronouns and avoiding making assumptions about body parts creates an environment of trust. And trust is the ultimate turn-on.

Making a small effort, like asking, "What words do you like for your body?" instead of assuming, can transform an intimate encounter from stressful to euphoric.

They/Them Pronouns Explained: Getting It Right

If you didn’t grow up using singular "they/them" pronouns, it can take a little practice. Here are some basics to keep in mind:

In Conversation: Instead of saying, "I really like him," you would say, "I really like them."

 

Possessive: Instead of "Is that her jacket?" you would say, "Is that their jacket?"

Reflexive: Instead of "He needs to do it himself," you would say, "They need to do it themself" (or "themselves").

If you make a mistake, apologize briefly, correct yourself, and move on. A simple, "Sorry, I meant 'they’," is much better than drawing attention to the error with a long, guilty speech. By giving this long, drawn out apology, it makes the moment more about you rather than the person you’re talking with and could create an awkward situation where they are now having to comfort you.

A good way to practice this is to think of everyone in terms of they/them until told otherwise. Someone wearing makeup, dressed "masculine" or “feminine,” or having long vs short hair isn’t always a proper identifier for gender. 

Inclusive Sex Education: Beyond the Binary

Traditional sex education often frames intimacy through a very narrow, binary lens. It focuses on "male" and "female" body parts and assumes specific roles based on that. Thankfully, real-life pleasure doesn't fit into a box.

Inclusive sex education means understanding that bodies and identities are diverse. It means knowing that a person with a vagina isn't necessarily a woman, and a person with a penis isn't necessarily a man.

When we step away from gendered labels for body parts (like "manhood" or "lady parts"), we open the door to better communication. Open-ended questions are great for intimacy. Instead of “Do you like this?” you can ask “What do you like?” This curiosity is the heart of great sex. 

Gender-Affirming Sex Toys

Once the communication is solid, the fun can begin. Using products that affirm one's identity can be an incredibly powerful experience. It allows individuals to engage with their bodies in a way that aligns with their true selves, free (hopefully) from dysphoria.

1. Gender X Toys: Pleasure Without Labels 

Let’s move away from "for him" and "for her" marketing, and toward products designed for bodies. Gender X Toys, by Evolved, are exactly that: toys designed for pleasure, regardless of gender.

These are often innovative, non-representational designs that focus on anatomy and sensation rather than gendered stereotypes. They are perfect for couples and individuals who want high-quality stimulation without the binary baggage.

The Gender X Body Kisses Suction is a great example of this as the opening of the toy is wider than traditional suction toys. This allows it to be used on any erogenous zone. The Gender X Anybody’s Plug is designed not for a specific gender, but for bodies. It can be used by anyone and feels good no matter where you put it.

2. Adjustable Harnesses for All Body Types 

The Gender X Snuggle Up Harness is designed with wide, flexible straps and easy-to-use hardware that fits a variety of body shapes and sizes. This harness comes with a remote controlled toy that can be used solo or on a partner. The design isn’t gender specific, making it a fun, inclusive toy for any couple. 

3. Packer Gear Essentials 

For many trans masc and non-binary people, packing can be a wonderful way to align their external presentation with their internal identity. However, comfort and hygiene are key.

Packers come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and colors. The Gender X 4” Packer is great for day-to-day use. It fits comfortably into the underwear and can be worn casually to help affirm gender identity. While the Gender X Stand to Pee packer is specifically designed to allow the user to stand while peeing.  

It’s important to note with any packer, using the right cleaners is vital. Just like any intimate accessory, packers need to be kept clean to prevent irritation and bacterial growth. A gentle toy cleaner is a must-have in any packing routine.

4. Vaginal Dilators: Comfort and Post-Operative Care

Vaginal dilators are a versatile and sometimes misunderstood product in the wellness space. They are designed to help individuals gradually and gently stretch the vaginal canal, which can be beneficial for a variety of reasons.

For some, dilators can help make penetration more comfortable by slowly acclimating the body to penetration, whether that's for sexual intimacy, medical exams, or personal comfort. For others, specifically transgender women and some trans femme individuals who have undergone vaginoplasty (penile inversion surgery), dilators are a crucial part of post-operative care. Regular use helps maintain depth and width during the healing process and beyond.

The Blush Wellness 4 Piece Dilator Kit is an excellent option for anyone starting this journey. It features four graduated sizes made from silky-smooth, body-safe silicone, allowing users to progress at their own pace in complete comfort.

Creating a Safer Space for Exploration

Whether you are learning for yourself or for a partner, remember that pleasure is a journey, not a destination. The goal is to feel good and feel seen.

• Listen actively: Believe your partner when they tell you who they are.
• Ask open-ended questions: "How does this feel?" "What would make this better for you?"
• Explore together: Look at products as accessories for play, not as definitions of identity.

At Starship, we believe everyone deserves access to pleasure and products that make them feel affirmed and excited. By embracing inclusive language and exploring gender-affirming tools, you’re not just having better sex, you’re building deeper, more authentic connections.