Talking about sex can be intimidating for many people, regardless of how experienced they may be sexually. But having open conversations with partners about your sexual wants, needs, and desires is integral to our sexual wellness and overall fulfillment both personally and within partnerships. Many people worry that if they discuss fantasies or fetishes with their partners, it will scare their partner away or make them feel like they are “weird” or “wrong” somehow. But when you avoid those conversations, you also miss out on exploring huge parts of your pleasure. And it’s very likely that your partner(s) have some kinks and fetishes of their own that they are too nervous to tell you about! Here are some of our best tips for how to have conversations about sex. 

Best Tips For Having Conversations About Sex

1. Don’t surprise your partner with a sex talk 
2. Try to stick to one topic per conversation when you’re starting out 
3. Remember that your partner has desires too 
4. Make suggestions rather than complaints 
5. Don’t underestimate the basics 
6. Set clear boundaries outside of the bedroom 
7. Avoid post-sex talks 
8. If there are changes in libido, check on your partner 
9. Focus on intimacy
10. Talk often
    

Don’t surprise your partner with a sex talk 

The best way to begin discussing such a sensitive topic is by being open and honest outside of the bedroom. Don’t spring the topic on them when your heads hit the pillow! Instead, invite your partner out for coffee or drinks or make them a nice meal, and let them know ahead of time about what you’d like to discuss. You could say “I would love to talk about how we can make our sex life even greater than it is now. How would you like to talk about it over dinner at our spot?”

Try to stick to one topic per conversation when you’re starting out 

While it may seem like the easiest thing to do is to try to get all of the bedroom talk out onto the table at once, most sex discussions should be short, targeted, and limited. The feelings that may arise will be complex for one or both of you, and it’s best to sort those things out a little at a time. 

Remember that your partner has desires too 

If you are anxious about bringing up a particular kink or fetish, it can be helpful to remember that your partner has desires and wants that they may be nervous to share with you as well! Opening up the discussion can make them feel comfortable enough to confide in you as well. 

Make suggestions rather than complaints 

Talking about sex can be difficult, especially if you feel like your performance is under attack. Make sure you give your partner some reassurance by commenting on the positive aspects of your intimacy first. Then, suggest what you want. Always be open to their feelings and feedback, and give them an opportunity to give you a suggestion of their own.

Don’t underestimate the basics 

There are some basic questions you can ask to get a better understanding of each other’s expectations:

• What is the time of day when you feel most sexual?
• Do you like to do the seduction, to be seduced, or to switch it up?
• How is it the most comfortable and exciting for sexual initiation to begin? With touch or with words?
• How often do you typically enjoy sexual contact?
• What are some of your most tried and true turn-ons?

Set clear boundaries outside of the bedroom

If you have any “hard no’s” during sex (things that are instant turn-offs for you that you would never enjoy), it’s a good idea to make your partner aware of them before intimacy begins. Ask your partner what their hard no’s are as well, and make it clear that if anything does come up in the moment that either of you is uncomfortable with, consent can be revoked at any time, and sex will immediately cease.

Avoid post-sex talks 

Try not to talk about sex-related problems right after having sex. Wait for a time when both of you can be more objective and distanced from the topic at hand. (This does not apply in relation to your partner doing something that crosses any of your boundaries, however. Make those things known as soon as possible.)

If there are changes in libido, check on your partner 

There are a whole host of reasons why this might have happened, and it is important that your partner knows that you value them and their happiness and wellbeing regardless of sexual fulfillment. If you are experiencing changes in your own libido, communicate that with your partner.

Focus on intimacy 

Sometimes life gets in the way of intimacy. With busy schedules, sex can be viewed as another item to check off the to-do list. If you’re in a similar situation, try to focus on intimacy. Sex is about so much more than just the act. Try to find small ways to make your partner feel deeply desired and connected to you. As intimacy and affection grows, so does sexual connection. 

Talk often 

Talking about sex should not be a one-and-done type of deal. Keeping the line of communication open for both sides of the partnership means that you can both be in tune with one another. Needs and desires can change over time and that is perfectly normal. Check in with your partner often.